Category Archives: Media Effects-children

Kids and screens — How does media use affect a child’s ability to interact with others, do well in school, think critically and grow as human being?

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Our kids and our Mirror

How do our kids see themselves when they look at us?

 

 

 

One of the most important things we can give our children is an appropriate self-concept.  That doesn’t mean telling them they’re wonderful all the time.   Sometimes it doesn’t have anything to do with what we say to them.

Psychology and Com Theory offer some insight into this process.  George Herbert Meade wrote that who we are is not just a product of our biology, it’s a process of interaction – communication – with other people.  Charles Horton Cooley developed what he called “the looking-glass self.”   We see ourselves as other people see us – what they say, their body language, how they respond to us.  We believe what people tell us about our value, our ability, about who we are.  That assessment doesn’t have to be fair or accurate to shape our lives.

The Apostle Paul warned fathers not to aggravate their children or they’ll become discouraged and give up trying. (Col. 2:21).  What we say matters.

Years ago on a Focus on the Family broadcast Dr. James Dobson made I point I will always remember. He was talking about building the “self” in a child and he stressed how much children want to believe what we say about them.  He stressed that we parents must make a distinction between the child and the child’s behavior.  “You did a bad thing,” not, “You are a bad boy/girl.”  One addresses an action, the other labels the person.  Labelling Theory (Becker, 2003) tells us that once we get labelled, it’s hard to peel the label off, and some labels stick for life.

It’s just as important to make that separation regarding good things as well.  “That was a good/kind/generous/thoughtful….thing you did” rather than “What a good boy you are”  or “You’re a good girl.”  We don’t want our children to think they’re so good that they can’t do wrong – or that God owes them a few because they are so good already.

We want to raise smart, thoughtful, caring and humble kids who understand every decision matters, and that who they ARE is different from what they DO.  We love them, they are significant – no matter how well they perform.  Success or failure is not everything.  Consequences are real.  What we do may reflect who we are, but it is not all of who we are – or who we can be.

I tried to follow that principle as my boys were growing up, as well as another Dobson suggestion.  Always say as many affirming or positive things to your child as corrective or negative things.  Even Dr. Dobson said on some days that can be hard.  He said to find something even if it’s “I like the way you tied your shoes.”

Correct, guide, teach, but guard children’s spirits so their “self” can grow in a realistic, healthy way without insecurity or egocentrism.

IF you’re a former student and this seems familiar, we talk about these concepts in the Com Theory lecture on meaning construction.Here are some resources, if you would like more information: